Digging Your Well
Introduction
The term Emotional Intelligence has been around since the 1960’s, but did not gain the popularity it boasts today until a book by the same title written by Daniel Goleman in 1995. Since then, it has become a hot topic for people in many fields including business, self-development, and leadership. As it happens, it also became a favourite topic for me. In this post I share a concept that emerged through my experience with adversity that falls under the umbrella of emotional intelligence; the concept of the Internal Well.
Background
The dreadful sound of my alarm went off - it was 5:40AM. I only got to bed at 12:00AM the night before after moving equipment from one home to the next for two of my teams. A subtle feeling of nausea gripped my stomach in a knot induced by a lack of rest and the ungodly hour. I automatically stumbled to the kitchen and turned on the kettle while getting ready for the day. This was the fourth week of my first summer operating the production of my company - a residential painting business. My diet for the past two weeks has been largely composed of a disgusting mix of Wal-Mart mini-donuts and 4L jugs of chocolate milk. Out the door at 6:30AM, I called my local paint store to make the day’s order. The next few hours consisted of visiting my teams to drop off supplies, inspecting the work, answering questions, and helping them plan the day. The rest of the day consisted of making phone calls to schedule sales meetings, and knocking on doors to find new clients.
One of my crews phoned me later in the evening to give me an update: “Hey boss, we are all done. We managed to finish ahead of schedule! Where are we going tomorrow?”. Crap…. I didn’t plan that far I thought: “Hey, let me give you a call back in the next thirty minutes” I replied.
There I was… frantically flipping through my “Booked Job” pile in my van to find a client that wanted their work done in the first week of the summer until I found one. Ah, perhaps this one will be my saving grace. It was. I called my crew back and told them the game plan for tomorrow, and got back to marketing my business. After I finished knocking on doors, it was close to 8:30PM. I drove to the crew’s recently finished site to pick up the equipment and do a final sweep of clean up. The client saw me outside, and came out to chat and thank me for the work we did. It was just around 9:30PM by the time I got back in my van. I drove to my usual coffee shop to plan tomorrow’s last minute job. This involved putting together clear and legible notes and instructions for the crew, determining how much paint I need to start with, and building a budget sheet to help them stay on track. After getting my plan in order and driving home, I finally parked my car, turned off the engine, and sat in silence for nearly twenty minutes zoned out staring at the sky. Nearly every day for the past three weeks has gone this way. The moment of serenity was broken by my stomach which was loudly complaining about how I’ve been treating it. I realized that I haven’t eaten since lunch, and looked at my watch. It was just past 11:15PM. I felt exhausted, my well was empty, would not get refilled for months to come, and yet this story has a happy ending.
I had a choice. I could surrender, hide under a rock, and wait to feel good again, or I could dig deeper. I was only 19, this was my first real business experience, and real life hit me point blank in the face. Many voices told me to slow down, take it easy, and put my short-term happiness ahead of my goal. It was tempting, but I chose to keep digging and did whatever it took to keep going. I dug deep, deeper, and deeper. The next few months taught me some of the most valuable lessons about business and life that I would have missed, had I cowered.
The Internal Well
Everyone has a different capacity to handle adversity, but we all tend to draw on a similar internal source for strength, willpower, and courage when we spend time outside of our comfort zone. I like to think of it as drawing water from a well when we are thirsty. In the story, my internal well was deep enough to get me by up to where I was, but not deep enough to support the person I wanted to become. My thirst for success ran me dry, and the only way I could continue growing is by digging the well deeper. In the short-term, my decision to keep digging hurt because I didn’t know how to do it in a sustainable and healthy manner, but the long-term impact changed my life. In this portion of the post, I wish to impart upon you the steps to stretching your capacity, and digging YOUR well.
Heads up: Discomfort and pain will still be factors in the formula. My advice will not provide you with an easy solution to experiencing exponential growth. If you truly have an interest in pushing your boundaries, please continue reading. If you are resistant to spending time outside of your comfort zone, this may not be the right advice for you.
Digging Your Well
There are 4 aspects to successfully pushing your boundaries:
Understanding your “why”
Self-Awareness
Organization
The right support
Understanding your why
Understanding your “why” is where any significant growth begins, persists, and gets achieved. In my experience, the biggest difference between those who made it, and those who gave up was their commitment to the big picture. When things get hard and our well is empty, it is sane and instinctual to avert the pain. The moment motivation falters, and the well runs dry, we begin to question why we started what we are doing. Knowing the answer to that question is a powerful tactic to bulldoze the obstacles ahead and keep digging when it’s hard to.
How do you unveil your “why”? Developing the answer requires discipline, reflection, and vulnerability as it will evolve when you peel back the layers of what is truly important. Begin with a clearly defined, and measurable goal that is truly appetizing. For me, the “why” began with wanting to make enough money to pay for my second year of university and Baby Blue (my work van and first vehicle). This was important because it was my intention from day one to get through my post-secondary education debt-free, and having a vehicle would allow me significantly cut down on travel time outside of business.
The first few times I exhausted my internal well, I realized that my reason for taking on the biggest challenge of my life was more than just a vehicle and tuition fees - it had to be more, because there were arguably easier ways to pay for school and get a car. I began to think of the business as an arena that would test the greatest depths of my character, grit, and tenacity. As I peeled back layers through reflection over the course of several months, the core of my “why” revealed itself as desire to provide something to myself. Achieving my goal would be a symbol and testament of my ability to make my own dreams come true. There was a massive gap between who I was, and who I wanted to become. If I were to fail, I would succumb to mediocrity - my biggest fear.
My “why” grew to be embodied by a quote that my coach, Jeff, shared with me. It is a saying by Jerry Rice: “Do what others won’t, so that you can achieve what others can’t”. I held on to these words, and every single time I thought why the hell am I doing this, the answer was clear - there was no room for mediocrity. Take your time to define why doing something is worth while, and actively reflect until you reach the core.
Self-Awareness
Self-Awareness or introspection is a critical instrument to experience rapid growth. It is the ability to look internally and understand what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and give reflection the power to shape your mind. You are not always going to feel dandy, and when you don’t, the first step to action is to bring awareness to it.
It is impactful to frame your mind in a way that allows you to study yourself, for example: “I recognize the fact that I am not feeling well right now. When did I start feeling this way? What set it off? What can I do about it?”. You may arrive at a conclusion that you don’t remember what made you feel that way, and that you can’t think of anything to do about it, which leads to a new thought… “Nothing is holding me hostage to feel this way, and therefore I should move on”. Alternatively, you may be able to pin point what caused you to feel the way you do in which case you can better make sense of your state. Finally, you may not be able to pin point what caused you to feel a certain way, but you could arrive at an actionable step that can move you ahead.
In any of the scenarios listed above, being self aware and studying your internal state of affairs gives you control and power to decide how to move forward and own your world. This way, you can recalibrate yourself to keep digging even when you don’t feel great.
Organization
I’ve often told people I coached that trying to attain a goal with a lack of organization is similar to trying to hit a piñata with a baseball bat swinging wildly half a kilometre away. It looks really silly from the side, and it doesn’t matter how hard you swing, you won’t hit it - it’s a shot in the dark. In the case of digging your well, a lack of organization would be equivalent to trying to dig with a rusty spoon.
My lack of organization was the leading cause to my greatest depths of pain during my first two months of operation. Despite my business coach pushing me to get organized and plan my weeks in advance, it didn’t click for me until the period during which my story took place - when I’d had enough. Organization was my enemy, and so was my goal so I decided to make an alliance - use organization to my advantage. My coach forced me to sit down and build a plan and schedule for the next 2 weeks, and what happened next was a pivotal moment in my business career.
After less than an hour of focused planning I felt like a colossal weight fell off my shoulders, anxiety left my chest, and the dark cloud that seemed to follow me around was gone. This feeling was so addicting, that organization ended up becoming my biggest strength. It shaved off hours of useless busy work from my schedule, I began to eat better, sleep on time, and my business grew. This was the moment I threw out the rusty spoon with which I was digging, looked out the hole, and saw an auger that was waiting for me to see it all along.
Benjamin Franklin once said “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. Take the time to plan, get organized, and get your ducks in a row on a daily or weekly basis. Dig with an auger, throw away the spoon.
Support
Exponential growth hurts similar to how your muscles feel after a hard workout. Just like a healthy and a balanced diet supports the body in its growth, the right support is necessary to power your mind. If you are to dig deeper than you have ever dug before, you need to reinforce the walls so that they do not collapse in the process. Your success in this area will determine your ability to grow in a sustainable way, retaining good health. Support comes from two basic sources that you can control; external support and internal support.
External Support
Surrounding yourself with the right people is one of the most powerful ways to stay sharp. You can strengthen your external support by maximizing your positive interaction, limiting negativity, and scheduling non-negotiable time off.
Jim John famously stated that “you are the average of the five people you spend most time with”. I strongly believe this concept, and wish to clarify what it means. What it’s not: Don’t become a snob. People are important, and it doesn’t mean that you have to distance yourself from loyal friends who may not share a common direction. What it is: Energy is contagious. Be aware of how the people around you impact your motivation, energy, and confidence. Aim to spend more time around people who support you, genuinely care about you, and push you to be better. These people will help you fill the well.
Every ounce of energy is critical when you are pushing your boundaries and unfortunately some people can hold you back by draining you of the precious resource. A parasitic individual will benefit from being around you, but makes your life harder. This person may be self-absorbed, cause you to overthink situations, or be generally negative. You may feel tired, encumbered, or cloudy after spending time with them. There are interactions that we can’t avoid, and ones that we choose. Choose to avoid spending time with individuals who drain you and consume your well.
When you live in a world where there seems to be more things to do than there is time, taking time time off to recharge can lose priority. This is a common mistake made by people new to stretching themselves outside of their comfort zone. I’ve grown to learn that the battle is not only about the amount of hours you can put in. Working 60 hours a week at 40% effectiveness due to fatigue is not nearly as powerful as operating at 80% for 45 hours. Even though you may work more in the former case, you will get more things done in the latter. Scheduling time off to be healthier and operate at a higher level will get you farther. Schedule at least two 4-5 hour blocks in your week in which you have non-negotiable time off to recover. I believe Friday and Saturday nights are a great time to do it as it is placed during a lower-impact time of the week. Once you set the expectation that you are off-the-grid with everyone in your life during those hours, it becomes easier to stick to them. This now becomes space for you to do anything that may fill your well - whether its spending time with the people you love, engaging in your hobbies, or just having some lazy time in bed.
Internal Support
Mastering your mind is a life-long journey, but there are a few basic tools and philosophies you can follow to become more resilient to obstacles, and more supportive to yourself. These tools include journaling, collecting powerful mottos, and stoic philosophy. My intention is to put these concepts on your radar, and share how they helped me dig deeper in my own journey.
Journaling is the practice of exploring your thoughts and other things that may be on your mind in written form inside a journal or notebook. This practice is quite simple, and for it to be successful it is best kept that way. A mistake many people make (including myself) when they begin journaling is felling pressure to write every day, or to be elaborate in how they express themselves. When I started journaling you could not get me to write anything if it was not for a school assignment, but I told forced myself to write every day. It felt like a chore, I didn’t like it, and it was not until l changed my approach that I saw the true value. Journaling should be done on a per-need basis, and include a simple outline that lists the date of the entry, the environment & how you feel (i.e. sitting at my office desk, feeling _____), and the entry itself. The entry should be a monologue with yourself, where you write exactly what you are saying in your mind. It doesn’t have to look pretty, flow, or have proper sentence structure or punctuation. Once I took off the shackles of perfectionism and the pressure to write at certain times, journaling became a remarkable escape and support system. When I felt the need to write, it was surprising how putting pen to paper helped me feel heard, ease pressure, and untangle brain-knots. Looking back, my entries range from being as far apart as a few months in between to being as close as a day in between. Your first step is to buy something to write on, and start with something as simple as “Hello, I am looking forward to getting started”.
I’ve grown to think of stoic philosophy as an obstacle-crushing operating system that is based on self-control and objective thinking. There are a number of great figures in history who opted in to this philosophy to achieve great things, some of whom include Marcus Aurelius, Theodore Roosevelt, and Adam Smith. The core of stoic philosophy is choosing to act upon the things that you have control over, and averting expending valuable energy on things that you cannot impact. In an arena where every ounce of energy counts, your ability to keep a level head and maintain control and ownership is extremely valuable. There is too much to say about this topic, so my best advice for you here is to read Ryan Holiday’s Obstacle Is The Way. The book is light, easy to read, and will give you a powerful insight in to the world and history of stoic philosophy. If you are not much of a reader, get the audiobook!
Collecting powerful mottos and watching cheesy motivational movies helped me overcome challenging periods. I have built a stock of quotes and concepts over time that I access when I need an extra boost or a kick in the butt. When the time comes, I recommend finding concepts that stand out to you, and having a place to write or track them for future use when you need extra fuel. Here is an example of a concept that always hit me hard and kept me moving:
“Imagine being on your death bed – And standing around your bed – the ghosts of the ideas, the dreams, the abilities, the talents given to you by life. And for whatever reason, you never acted on those ideas, you never pursued that dream, you never used those talents, we never saw your leadership, you never used your voice, you never wrote that book.
And there they are standing around your bed looking at you with large angry eyes saying “we came to you, and only you could have given us life! Now we must die with you forever.”
The question is – if you die today what ideas, what dreams, what abilities, what talents, what gifts, would die with you? ”– Les Brown
Summary
We all have a certain level of capacity. Once your capacity is reached, you may feel burnout, persisting fatigue, and challenges with your overall headspace. In this post I shared 4 tools that you can utilize to successfully push your boundaries, stretch your capacity, and come out on top:
Understanding your “why” - Take your time to define why doing something is worth while, and actively reflect until you reach the core.
Self-Awareness - Being self aware and studying your internal state of affairs gives you control and power to decide how to move forward and own your world.
Organization - An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
The right support - External support: Aim to spend more time around people who support you, genuinely care about you, and push you to be better. These people will help you fill the well. Choose to avoid spending time with individuals who drain you and consume your well. Schedule at least two 4-5 hour blocks in your week in which you have non-negotiable time off to recover. Internal Support: Journal; putting pen to paper helps you feel heard, eases pressure, and untangles brain-knots. Study stoic philosophy as it will teach you to act upon the things that you have control over, and avoid wasting valuable energy on things that you cannot impact. Build your own principles and code based on things that inspire you.
Good luck out there!